If not, he's as close as mankind's gonna get anytime soon.
Posts
Salome - Chapter Four
12 years ago
Wednesday 27 May 2009
Monday 25 May 2009
I think... I may be back
Well, having my own proper website failed quite some time ago, but that by no means... erm... means... that I'm out of ideas.
This blog was a bit of fun/time-wasting awesomeness (for me) that helped wipe away the filth of everyday life and replace it with the thin layer of Mr. Sheen-like creativity and expression.
Okay, so I'm alittle rusty, but it'll come back, I promise. I suppose all I can hope for is a kind (or unkind) word every now and then and a few repeat visitors.
Need I remind you that you can still read my old stuff, just browse through the categories on the right and see if anything tickles ones fancy.
So I guess, in closing, it's mediocre to be back, but before long it's going to be slightly above average... you can count on it!
Tuesday 18 November 2008
Monday 15 September 2008
Tuesday 2 September 2008
Sunday 31 August 2008
Cool Thing For The Day
I know, I know, I barely post here... I'm sorry, but this is worth waiting for. coolest thing you'll see in a long time
Friday 22 August 2008
Monday Review Madness - Electric Six
Wow, I'm retarded.
So it turns out, after writing this on Monday, I hit save... but not publish. Bad times. So (slightly delayed) its Monday Review Madness! On a Thursday!
it's 2003, I'm in a hall at school where people are playing table tennis, my friend runs up and asks me if I want to go see Electric Six at Academy 2... Thank God I said yes.
You're probably sitting there right now going "The Gay Bar band???" and you'd be right. All depressed people (and Radiohead fans) should probably stop reading now. Electric Six are hilarious. Truly witty lyrics, amusing views, and a style that constanty changes from Disco, to Funk, to metal, to cabaret, to ballad, to... well... monologue.
If you're into laughing and feeling good, Electric Six is probably gonna float you boat big time. Every song is upbeat and catchy, and even the slower ones have lyrics that could melt Adolf's heart. Case in point: 
Every saviour is crucified next to crooks
Every human being starts with two...
Naughty looks
Electric Six. A band with 6 members, 4 albums and enough raw animal magnetism to turn away an entire army with nothing but a crotch-thrust
Oh, and they make videos like no-one else
GaZZuM Rating: 183/183
Sunday 17 August 2008
Whoopsy!
I've seriously fallen behind on my blogging the past few days! That'll be, in no small part, due to the olympics and laziness. I mean, why blog when you can watch a Jamaicans run faster than trains!
Either way I haven't enlightened or entertained anyone for over half a week, so now I'm going to scour the internet and search for something mind-blowing...
please afford me a few minutes to do so.
alright, this'll do:
http://fantasticcontraption.com/
awesome physics-based puzzle game that'll keep you occupied for hours (if you're anything like me)
Enjoy all. (New story soon, promises, promises!)
Wednesday 13 August 2008
Tired Early On A Wednesday Evening
9 O'clock, Wednesday Night... and I'm tired.
This is pretty weird for me, normally I'm quite a nocturnal person; waking up at tea time, going to sleep at breakfast. I think my problem is my inability to have a rational sleep pattern.
I mean my 2 options are this:
-Go to bed at 9, wake up at 6am
-Go to bed at 6am, wake up at 5
And it's not like I have a choice in this, because last night I went to bed at 11 and still woke up at 7 the next morning. I managed to get back to sleep for a few hours but still, my body does NOT want me to sleep at normal hours.
Anyway, this relates to you because I haven't felt in a creative mood for a few days now. I mean, I've got several story ideas it's just motivating myself that's the problem (as the line under the website name suggests). I'm thinking my Stuntman monologue will be my next mini-project, when I finally feel up to writing the bugger!
Anyways, ya, as promised right from the start, here's something interesting to make up for you having to put up with my lack of Creativity:
Tuesday 12 August 2008
I'm a wrestling fan... there I said it!
I've been watching wrestling for probably about 10 years now, and I love it now as much as I always did. I know it's "fake", I know it's just a soap opera with steel chairs, but can you honestly say that if you were watching a soap opera and somebody all of a sudden hit someone else in the face with a steel chair you wouldn't automatically think "This programme kicks 7 levels of ass!"?... Exactly!
It may be scripted, the moves may look more painful than they actually are, but that doesn't stop me enjoying an amazing match like this:
Bound For Glory '07 - Ultimate X Match: LAX vs. XXX
Sunday 10 August 2008
Monday Review Madness! - Firefly
Well it's Monday so you all know what that means! Actually you more than likely don't, so I shall elaborate on my newest idea.
Mondays are boring. They suck. If I had a job I'd need to go to it! Which is why I thought "What if people had something to do on Mondays?..."
"What if" indeed, so, every Monday, I will review a product that can fill your Monday, your week... maybe even your life with joy and entertainment.
Alrighty, let's spank this pony! As the title may have teased (or completely given away if you're not too slow), this weeks review is of one of the best T.V. programmes of the past 10 years:
Firefly is a T.V. show conceived by Joss Whedon (the creator of the Buffy and Angel T.V. series) with a fairly simple concept: Cowboys in space.
The backstory to the series is well thought-out and complex (So get comfortable). The basic idea is that at some point Western Culture (America) and Eastern Culture (China) both meshed into one, forming The Alliance, basically the ultimate superpower. They took over Earth and ruled it in a dictatorial fashion. The mesh of cultures means that everyone in the Firefly universe can speak Chinese, from diplomats to doctors, to peasants and thieves, it is just one of those things (though in the show Chinese is usually, very cleverly, used in place of swearing). At some point the population of the Earth grew too large so mankind started to spread itself out across the stars by terraforming distant planets. The Alliance, determined to govern every human, also spread their influence out to the other planets, an action which started a Civil War among humans all over the galaxy, between The Alliance, and those humans who want freedom.
(God I hope you're still reading this, otherwise I've wasted some serious energy)
Whew, that was exhaustive. Anyway, one of the most startling things about Firefly is that it has 9 (yes, 9) main characters. Now I'm sure when you see "9 main characters" you're instantly turned off, but don't be! Each of the characters has so many endearing qualities, from the sarcastic wit of the Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) to the self-absorbed mercenary Jayne (Adam Baldwin), and even the Enigmatic River Tam (Summer Glau) there isn't a single character you wont fall in love with.
Bringing up the sarcastic wit of the captain brings me onto the subject of the writing. It's excellent. There are more witty remarks in one episode of Firefly than an entire army of Frasier Crane's with Tourette's syndrome. Simply put Firefly is a joy to listen to... as well as look at.
Now, despite my claim of it being easily one of the best T.V shows of the past 10 years it was only on for 1 season. Unfortunately when it was on telly nobody watched it, which was a shame but turns out being good for us. The whole series can easily be found for very cheap due it's lack of original popularity, however, DVD sales are fairly constant (the series now has a cult following among Sci-Fi fans), now it wont be long until retailers pick up on this so I'd buy it sooner rather than later.
GaZZuM Rating: 10/10
- obviously you can shop around if you're interested but this Amazon price is great for you Americans, especially if you buy it 2nd hand ;). Every good online store will stock it though.
- The movie Serenity continues the story of the series, but still leaves it open for maybe another series in the future (here's hoping) and is also unbelievably cheap.
- Please buy it, I know you'll love it. ^ ^
Saturday 9 August 2008
Another Quick Update
Alright guys, it's not looking likely I'll have that story ready today, I got onto watching wrestling and there's some UFC on tonight that I'm gonna watch so yeah, tomorrow maybe?
In apologetic fashion let me introduce all of you who haven't seen it yet to the genius that is Muto:
Quick Update
Heya everyone, I got an idea for a story yesterday but I just wasn't feeling it so I'll probably get started on it tomorrow afternoon and have it ready by some time Saturday night ^ ^ I'm quite looking forward to it.
So, as I haven't posted anything today I thought I would do a short list of my favourite news articles of the day. Enjoy:
- Chicken crosses the road, then abandoned by thief
- Man accused of trying to rob store with empty box
- Urine bottles: Another result of high fuel prices?
- Bear attacks woman gardening
- Spanish shopkeeper finds Homer Simpson euro
- Spelling "truely atrosious," says academic
- Giant smelly flower puts on sex show in Belgium
- Grandma arrested for driving with child on roof
- Trail of Cheetohs leads to snack thieves in Minn.
But the winner is...
- "Nuclear Modified" music CD sparks Israeli alert
When Yasmin Sabah was given a music CD by a friend, she never imagined it would make her the target of a clandestine operation by Israeli security services...
I kid you not.
Alright. Goodnight World.
Friday 8 August 2008
True Love Story
Note: This is the longest story I have probably ever done. It comes to about 2,000 words so if you're expecting 2 or 3 paragraphs you're gonna be sorely disappointed. Well, here we go, enjoy ^ ^
It started out like any other day. The alarm clock went off at the usual time of 5am and I begun the daily ritual: first I shred all the post from the day before (you never know who might be watching); then I set out my clothes for the day, I believe I decided on the brown pants with a peppermint tie because it was a Thursday; after I arranged my clothes I prepared my breakfast, nothing too special, just bread, margerine and a glass of warm water, I had to go round the house and turn all the lights off before I ate it mind (you never know who might be watching); whilst I was eating my breakfast I seem to recall the gas bill needed paying, I couldn't be sure though because I had shredded all the bills on the Sunday night (you have to shred those all at the same time, otherwise you get bad luck), I decided a trip to the Post Office was in order and so I sat there in my privacy chair until the post came.
After I had hidden that morning's post in the freezer (the last place they'd think to look) I set out for the Post Office. It's a rather agreeable walk to-and-from there, with plenty of interesting brick walls along the way, noticing their interesting patterns is sort of my hobby, in fact it's the reason I carry my tracing paper and wax crayon (you never know when you'll want to make a rubbing of a particularly interesting brick formation). Unfortunately for me there were lots of police cars blocking my usual way down the back streets, so to get there I had to take the quicker route, through the middle of town.
It was quite a busy and sunny day, both of which disagree with me greatly. I had only come this way once before on a whim, "Some change will do you good" I thought to myself but when I was in the town centre there was some sort of phaeces on the ground, so I decided I would only ever come this way if it was my only choice... which today, it was.
Trying to keep a low profile I was walking quite quickly, dodging all the other shoppers as best I could, when a sweet smell jarred me. Ordinarily I dont slow down on the Post Office run unless there's a nice looking bit of brickwork to admire but this was different, what I was smelling was freshly baked bread coming from inside a small cafe. Being the man I am I thought twice about it, afterall, I wasn't thinking about having lunch today, as I probably wouldn't finish my large tea of processed ham slices and cheese but I couldn't resist and I went inside.
"How much for a whole freshly-baked loaf?" I asked.
"I'm sorry???" Was my rather shrill answer from the teenager behind the counter.
"I would like a loaf of fresh bread please" I reiterrated.
"JUDY! THIS GUY WANTS A LOAF OF BREAD!" She shouted into a back room. At which point a an older woman came out, she must have been about 37 (I'm rather good at guessing peoples ages), she gestured for the younger girl to go into the back room.
"Sorry about her, she's new. What can I do for you deary?"
"I was wondering how much it is for a loaf of your freshly-baked bread miss" I asked for the third time.
"I'm sorry, we only serve sandwiches here... I suppose I could sell you a few sarnies with nothin' on 'em for a cheap price but not a whole loaf... if you're just after plain bread that's the best I can do I'm afraid"
(This was perfect, now I could have dinner and still might have some room left for tea) "That will do quite nicely thank you.".
After I paid for my 8 slices I decided to sit outside the cafe and eat it on one of the many tables set up outside it. The bread was perfect, warm but soft with a crispy crust, it's like they had read my mind and baked it. I was 2 slices into my lunch when I saw her. Walking towards me. She was gorgeous.
Her eyes sparkled in the sunlight, her hair glistened as it was blown by the gentle breeze, her legs were long and slender and her hips... mmm her hips. The guy she was with was a complete yob: trainers, filthy denim trousers and a football shirt on. Just looking at him would have made me nauseous, that is, if he weren't walking alongside such a stunning creature. She was like a magnet, drawing me in, I felt my brain being overwritten with thoughts of her until she was all my mind could focus on. I HAD TO HAVE HER.
Her boyfriend left her oustide whilst he went inside the cafe to buy himself some food (probably raw meat and beer by the look of him), I didn't understand how he could do it, just leave a beautiful angel all on her own ike that without even asking if she wanted anything for herself... I would have asked what she wanted, I wouldn't have left her outside, I would be the perfect boyfriend to her, never let her out of my sight, never let her go hungry, never let her be sad, never let her go... NEVER.
As I sat and watched her, seemingly unaware of how breathtaking she was, images began to flash into my mind: of our wedding, of our honeymoon... of our children. I hadn't felt this way for a very long time, for the first time in a while I felt happy, and calm, and normal... I was woken up from my trance by a gruff voice. "Come on love, let's go!" it said. It only took me a second to realise who it was... her boyfriend.
They walked away and he took her out of my life forever. That is, he would have, but I followed them. He would leave her outside whilst he went in shops and I would stand at a distance and just stare at her until it was time to move on to the next shop. I could tell there were a million thoughts going through her head, she wasn't all beauty and no brains no-no, she was smart aswell. "Looks AND brains... you've hit the jackpot" I thought to myself. As the day wore on I started to notice the subtleties of her beauty, like the way her teeth gleamed when she smiled, the softness of her skin and, although i'm not usually one to focus on the behind, her bottom was a masterpiece.
It got to about 4 in the evening when they headed towards the train station, me following their every move. We ended up boarding a train to Widnes, which was a 2-hour train journey but I really didn't mind, she was worth every mile. I sat right behind them on the train, enduring his idiotic banter for the journey. She seemed bored of him too, as she barely made a sound the whole trip.
Eventually the train pulled in and the 2 of them got off. I began to wonder if I was maybe taking this a little bit too far... Afterall, I hadn't even got my gas bill sorted! This wasn't like me at all! But then again, love makes us do crazy things.
Outside the station was a bus stop which they waited at. I decided to hide just around the corner so as not to be spotted. The bus took 15 minutes to arrive, by which time a small queue had formed behind them. the bus was a number 718 and just underneath the number it read "Gwensbury avenue". The doors of the bus opened and they both got on, at which point I walked up and joined the back of the line. Eventually I found myself on the bus and on my way. Once again I sat myself directly behind them, and once again, had to put up with his fucking stupid moaning voice. As for her.. her silence said more than words ever could.
By the time we got off the bus it was past 7 o'clock. naturally I kept my distance whilst I followed them but, as it was darker, quite a bit closer than earlier in the day. The 2 of them went into a park, with a path leading into the darkness, lined with street lights. Worried I might give myself away I stuck to the darkness just off the path and must have got within metres of them. As they were walking I saw her yawn... it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard, I almost broke down crying right there, but contained myself, knowing that if I did start crying my position would be given away.
After half-an-hour of walking we came out of the park and onto a street. I assumed my usual safe distance behind them until they finally got home. As they were walking in the house I heard his utter something "Come on Rosie, time for bed." Rosie... Rosie... Rosie. The single 2 most perfect syllables I had ever heard in my life. I found myself uttering the famous line from Romeo and Juliet "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet", As would Rosie, if she were named differently, still be the most beautiful female on God's green earth.
I stood and watched all the houses lights go off, then I gave it an hour or so before I crept round the back of the house. Sure enough, round the back were the bins. Being careful to be extremely quiet I rummaged until I found an old phone bill. "James Tevitt" it read above the address. Ah James, ofcourse, a common name for a common man. Also in his rubbish I found some electricity bills, a postcard from his mother and lots of old receipts... what a fool! He's no idea who might be watching.
Now I had put a name to that slimy, ugly little face of his I knew who I was up against... I wandered quietly up and down his road until I found a rickety old wall outside a drab looking house. After I made a quick rubbing I pulled one of the old, crumbling bricks out and made my way quickly back to "James'" house.
Delicately but with some force I broke one of the small windows on his front door. Reaching inside I felt around for the lock and undid it, opening the door I noticed I had cut my arm open quite badly on some shards still left ih the frame of the windown but I couldn't feel a thing, all I had on my mind was my ultimate goal... Rosie.
Creeping my way softly upstairs I could hear some loud snoring coming from up there. When I got to the top I was confronted with 3 doors. Fortunately for me however The loud snoring made it easy to identify which room was the bedroom. Opening the door I tip-toed my way up to the side of the bed, where, sure enough, James and Rosie lay asleep.
I took a deep breath, raised the brick above my head... and then brought it down with all my strength on James' head. There was a loud crack then silence. I smiled to myself. My left arm was still bleeding from the door and it was starting to go numb but I didn't mind.
Gently I reached over and felt Rosie's hair. She barely stirred. I laughed and said out loud "Well, you'll make a lousy guard dog!" She suddenly awoke and i grabbed her. She writhed around and bit my arm. She wouldn't stay still. I didn't mind her biting my arm, hell, she could have it if she wanted, I just didn't want her to be upset.
So with her in my arms I ran downstairs and searched the cupboards for dog food. I found some and emptied it onto the floor. she let go of my arm and I placed her onto the floor. All four of her paws got covered in dog food juice but it was alright. Her little tail waggled as she ate and moonlight reflected off her shiny little nose. It was the happiest night of my life.
Oh hold on... did I not mention she was a dog? Oh. Erm. Sorry. Well, we went on to win crufts 8 years in a row and we made millions in dog food endorsements.
THE END
- a monologue/short story by GaZZuM
Thursday 7 August 2008
Dragon's Tail
You saw a Dragon?...
Yep
A real-life Dragon…
Yeah
Wings and all?...
Of course
Uhuh…
...
Sat in that back garden there
Well not sat no
Stood then
Yep, stood right next to them flowers
You understand why I’m finding this hard to believe right?
...
Did you, I dunno… take any pictures?
Erm, well, no… didn’t really occur to me to
...Right…
What’s the matter?
Let’s just say it’s not the most likely of occurances
...
You know… Dragon… middle of the day… Sunday…
...
You’d think other people would of noticed that
Well no, you forgettin’ we got a fence?
A fence
Yeah, point of a fence is so people can’t see what we’s doin’
Well yeah but come on… this is a slightly different ballgame
I don’t see what the big deal is
You’re kidding right
...
A fantastical, fairy-tale creature just pops up in your garden, for no apparent reason?
No
What do you mean no?
It had a reason
Really? What was it doing?
Well, it just sorta stood by the pond there, sittin’ pretty still, then it nabbed itself one a my Goldfish and flew itself away
...It… flew away…
Yeah
In the middle of the day…
...Yeeess
And this is the first I’ve heard of it
Whadda ya mean?
No news story. No Police Helicopters. No evidence of any kind?!?
You can count the Goldfish if you like...?
...I’d rather not
I’m telling you: Dragon; my pond; Goldfish missing… it all adds up!
But Dragons are fictional! They’re a mythological creature that, if once real, have clearly all died out.
Well, not my Dragon
Oh really
Aye
Alright then, what did your Dragon look like?
Well, massive it was! Had long legs; vicious looking claws; ginormous wings, must have been a few metres across!
R...really?
Oh aye
Erm, anything else?
Yeah, it were white
White???
Yup, lovely clean white… I could tell it were white ‘cos it were stood next to washing line
I see… sounds unusual for a Dragon
Yeh?...
Well yeah… on account of they’re big flying lizards
...
You know… fire-breathing lizards with wings
Well not this one
............I beg your pardon
This one had feathers
............Feathers
And it’s beak were rate long
....You mean a Heron don’t you
?...
THE END
Wednesday 6 August 2008
A Poem Concerning Global Warming
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust,
Water to acid and Iron to rust,
Fuel to pollution, Ocean to flood,
Peace turns to war and Oil to blood,
Ice-caps to liquid, Marble to sand,
Silence to gunshots and Rivers to land,
Forests to clearings, Cars into bombs,
Children to soldiers and Vietcong,
Lies to truths, Terror to fact,
Whole to missing and Solid to cracked.
But dawn to Dusk, seeds to Trees,
greed to Charity and birds and The Bees,
despair to Hope, hate to Love,
down to Up, below to Above,
extinction to Survival, end to Start,
death to Life and idea to Art.
The Earth isn't dead, there's life in her yet,
But let's stop poisoning her now, before arrogance turns to regret.
- a poem by GaZZuM
A Poem Concerning Religion
As I was wand'ring though my mind
A shrine to Jesus I did find
It stood there neatly by a sign
"sit underneath me to unwind".
So I sat there whilst I looked around
At all the dead bodies on the ground
I asked "what is this carnage I have found"
But the shrine it did not make a sound.
I got up, and walked further still
'Till I found, atop a dreary hill
Another shrine, carved with great skill
Next to it stood Allah, dressed to kill.
"Stay back, my son" he said to me
"to find your own beliefs is the key"
"please hear me, and accept my plea"
"because religon, causes killing sprees".
All of a sudden it all made sense
The corpses that I had seen hence
Were victims of these terrible events
The war of religion, it's casualties immense.
I woke up from my day-dream state
With a brand new future to contemplate
So I made a decision upon that date
That I, not religion, shall decide my fate.
- a poem by GaZZuM
Tuesday 5 August 2008
Welcome One And All!!!
If you're here that no-doubt means that I know you anyway and begged you to come here on my hands and knees, but that in no way makes me any less ecstatic that you came anyway ^ ^
Here I'm gonna be posting:
- Any random stuff that comes to my mind: poems, stories or maybe even drawings
- Things that I find in my everyday life that I find amusing
- Pictures I have taken that either aren't shit or that make me happy/laugh
- Insightful links to (hopefully) broaden your horizons
- Fun things to fill everybody's waking hours with
- My thoughts on worldy happenings and issues, which will hopefully not be as boring as it sounds
- Films, games or anything I experience and think are worth sharing with everyone
- Anything interesting I actually do, which as many of you probably know, is a rare occurance at best.
This wil NOT be a place for:
- Telling you what I did every second of my day
- A diary
- Any kind of place for me to get depressing or sad
- Things that don't constitute atleast an "event"
- Any trouble of any kind
This will be a happy, entertaining, sharing place, with nerry a frown to be turned upside down anywhere.
So, now that that's out of the way, allow me to formally invite you all to:
MY BLOG!
Oh, and P.S. everybody hit subscribe over there on the right... you see it? Okay, good ^ ^ Thanks everyone!
Story For The Elderly
His name was Bob, he was a bin man. One day Jim woke up and made his way to school, where all his work mates were waiting for her. He all went to get some breakfast. When they had finished their dinner they made their way to the construction site. At first, Alan was fine, printing papers like he did every day, but then she began feeling all funy. It was that time of the month. Luckily for Hannah she only worked weekends so seeing as it was a Thursday there was no cause for alarm. On his way to the bathroom Mark was distracted by an advert on television: “One Way”. Turning his car back round and going back the way he came he noticed something strange; it was October. With this startling revelation Janice fell off her stilts and into the lap of an over-excited patron whose hands began to go south. When the patron’s hands reached the crotch and felt Paul’s penis he got very angry, and you know what they say “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!”. Infuriated, she grabbed John by the breast and threw him out of the window. Landing on top of a bus however, luckily, was second nature to Sandra and so she came out of the ordeal relatively unscathed, apart from a twisted nut-sack and ruptured womb. Once the helicopter reached it’s destination Fred let go of the pilot and strutted into the shop. “8 ciders please” She told the barmaid, before settling down with a woman in the Highlands. They lived in a small cottage before they got divorced and were forced to share the kids between the 4 of them. Our hero, Mick, was forced with custody of all 87 children. Unable to feed them all with only her 2 breasts, Jemima had little choice but to adopt 13 more and start up a circus. Securing the bank loan for the airport was the easy part, the hard part was where to put it: on the left or on the right? After settling on putting it North, Brian made his way up to bed and set his alarm clock for tomorrow, after all, It was gonna be a busy day at the White House…
-GaZZuM
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